This is a letter to all parents with Deaf children. Yes for ALL parents. For you, who are Deaf and you who are Hearing, with newborn Deaf children, toddlers, teenagers and adult children.
This is going to be a challenge but it’s important for me to share my thoughts and views.
I have Deaf parents in their 80s whose parents are hearing.
I am a Deaf step-parent to five adult children. One is Deaf. I have been with them for almost 25 years, the oldest was 9 when I started living with them. The Deaf child was almost 3. All of them sign well enough not to depend on English in conversations with Deaf people. Two work as ASL-English interpreters, one is a middle school teacher at a hearing school and another is a manager at a car wash complex. And the Deaf son just got his Masters.
Now, I am blessed with 8 grandchildren from 13 years old down to a couple of months old. One is Deaf, another is deaf in one ear, and most of the hearing grandchildren sign which recently became popular and commonplace. Their ASL skills vary from quite fluent to just a few signs.
I have two children-in-laws who are Deaf and a third one who has a Deaf brother whose family sign with various levels of skills in a form that is a byproduct of SEE and mainstreamed school environment.
Not only that, I had a Deaf brother who recently passed away. My Deaf sister-in-law has Deaf parents who have hearing parents as well. She has a hearing brother who does not sign. From them, I have three nephews. Two of them are deaf in one ear. One of them is now a Gallaudet student.
There’s more. My partner had Deaf parents who also had hearing parents. Her older brother is hearing and her younger brother is Deaf. The Deaf brother has a Deaf wife who was raised orally. He has four adult children: the only hearing child coordinates interpreters at a community college. The three Deaf children have jobs ranging from teaching at a Deaf elementary school to teaching ASL at a public high school to delivering furniture for a hearing company.
That brother has 8 grandchildren too and all the children sign. Two are Deaf.
In short, I guess I could say that, just my family alone, we cover most of the spectrum of the “Deaf world”.
Yes we have ethnic diversity as well: several of our grandchildren have Native American connections that make them eligible for the government program providing them with medical care and college education. One daughter-in-law has parents who immigrated from El Salvador. One of our sons was in love with an African American woman.
And my domestic partner and I are Lesbians as well.
You may think, “ah, not all the spectrum. There’s no CI involved”. Right now, there is nobody implanted and I believe only one of us uses hearing aids heavily.
However, the Deaf parents of our one-year-old Deaf grandson have already been approached quite a few times for a CI and the son has already gone through several hearing tests in his short life. They have not yet been approached about ensuring the son learns ASL.
The reason I described my family is to assure you all that what’s happened to you all have practically happened to my loved ones. My family is deeply affected by the arrogance of Audism like most of you are.
However, the purpose of this letter is not to focus on that.
Instead, I want to outline the importance of viewing being Deaf and having Deaf people in our lives as a blessing and never a curse. View them as God’s way of encouraging us to become better, humbler and gentler human beings for a better, humbler and gentler World. And an ORGANIC one.
Granted my family is not perfect. Nor am I. There are some painful scars, a few have yet to heal completely.
It is my vision that we all create a world where being Deaf is celebrated and never condemned.
What I want to see in this world is no more use of words like “deafness”, “impairment” nor “hearing loss” but instead say “being Deaf” or “people with Deaf identity” or “Deafhood seekers” or “Deaf people in search of their natural language and identities”.
It starts at birth and continues throughout our lives. If Deaf people are identified at birth, instead of saying they “failed” the hearing screening test” (or being “referred” to further tests) by personnel with somber, long faces as if its a horribly serious thing, the medical personnel come in and share the information framed by
“Your child has been discovered to be Deaf.”
This should be considered a blessing. This means you are endowed with a broader view of the world, and have the privilege of being acquainted with a People that you may or may not realize existed on Earth for generations.
Because of your Child, those People will become part of your life, especially your Child’s life. They will introduce your family to a fascinating language, American Sign Language, an exciting visual way of communicating. You will be blessed with knowledge of and more intimate access to this World within the bigger World through your Deaf Child.
Through your Child’s comfort with this visual language, you will deeply realize that communication is not limited to the vocal-auditory means but is a multi-dimensional process. Your Child will join the ranks of ancestors who have explored deeper and bigger definitions of language and communication.
Your Deaf Child does not have an impairment at all. He/She is formed to be more visually oriented. Your child will be a complete human being with his/her own gifts and a journey that challenges him/her to be a better human being with a deep spiritual understanding. That child will make your lives more pleasant and joyful and full of challenges just like any other child.
Do not fret if you ever feel like a failure (which is what all parents feel at times). There are Deaf people and other parents out there ready to give support and advice especially on how to raise a Deaf child in a visual world. Those people have learned to value collectivism and believe that “it takes a village to raise a child” and they strive to make this “village” as healthy as possible for all.
Crossing human “differences” (like languages, cultures, abilities) within this “village” and elsewhere is fertile ground for mistakes. When you make mistakes, you grow. You deal with mistakes with forgiveness. Mistakes are sometimes dealt with by letting go.
Do not treat your Child as being too different but embrace him/her within your family and your Child will embrace you within his/her Deaf world.
Likewise, do not treat your Child as being too special but view him/her as a normal kid with normal human desires, dreams, frustrations.
Do not make him/her experience or perform unnatural things for your or others’ convenience or need to form them in your or others’ image.
Only God can do that.
Currently, this is being done through surgery, unnatural speech training such as the Auditory-Verbal Therapy (AVT).
This is not new.
This has been done in various forms for many many years and never will this guarantee a truly successful upbringing of a child. Some of your children (I emphasize some) will perform “amazingly for a Deaf child” while many many of their Deaf “brothers and sisters” will fail miserably and unnecessarily.
Is this a world you want to bring your children into? Do you wish to bring your child into a world where despite their “perfect speech or hearing” skills, they will always be called hearing impaired because of the machines in their ears or heads? Or would you rather bring them into a world that is real but one where your child is REAL and natural?
I want the best for you, your child, the Deaf community, and finally the world itself.
Embrace the latter option with us.
Ella
